it's very tiring to be back in nus.
for one month i was free. shit this is going to be a very emo post. lol. i miss stc. i miss tj. miss choir where i knew what i was doing, that i was going to sit in the middle of the room and think alone. and could always talk when i feel like it. i miss tj because it's where i could be alone and people hecked me, and it doesn't matter. where being alone was a choice. i miss the scope because that's precisely all i do in the scope - be alone. i miss not having to think about where to sit in lectures because i always take the front row and yiwei will be there. of course i miss the people, who didn't think that being alone is weird or unacceptable, who didn't hate me for that, like the class girls and the choir girls. who tried to understand me even though they knew i was difficult. i miss having people around who are at least a little like me, like yiwei or zhikai. because it seems to me the people in school now doesn't have that patience. and no one would understand this unless we're alike in some ways, and i meet no like souls.
all despite knowing that it's my fault. that i've become more and more difficult since primary school. it's shameful. and very selfish of me to even wish that people understand. but may i at least hope that the uni doesn't force people to work in convoluted ways that involve many groups?? lol.
i'm tired of trying. these days, i want to just heck and sit back. just see what happens.
but most of all, i miss my old self who could still be open to people. who still took risks and chances. who didn't retreat to the safety of being alone. who was able to appreciate unlike souls and wasn't always looking for like souls. who wasn't so damned bloody moody and emo.
fabian was very enthusiastic today. that, at least, made me happy. and we covered all of indices. i didn't see him for a month and he grew taller by, what, ten cm? lol. man i feel real old sometimes.
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